Loneliness,
is you shedding tears while everyone else is laughing and having fun.
It is the moment when everyone is comfortably enjoying themselves in warm, cozy environments,
and you are faced with the danger of your blood freezing.
It is you wrestling with sorrow while everyone is smiling and playing with love.
Once loneliness seeps into your blood, you feel it seven days, twenty-four hours.
That pain almost flows through your blood! It hits your heart, and your heart aches.
You can’t stand it, you start to cry, your hands suddenly go numb, and life begins to choke you.
Even speaking feels like a heavy burden. Because the pain inside leaves you with no solution other than cutting.
Are you left alone?
Are your tears cold?
Does your heart ache?
Are you exhausted from life?
Does the blood running through your veins
hurt your body?
Do you not understand what people are saying?
Are they strangers to you?
Is adolescence mourning? Is it loneliness? Is it the painful experience of sorrow? Is it a depressive process? We cannot evaluate the adolescent period as just one of the developmental phases of a person. Because adolescence, beyond the already existing drives, gains more meaning on its own than other developmental stages through the sexualization of the body. The sexualized body pressures, brings some necessities and some risks. The sexualized body brings both growth and the danger of incest into question. Because adolescence is the reawakening of infantile sexuality, and this time in a dangerous way. Adolescence is a farewell to childhood.
It is the continuation of one period and the door opening to another. It is a transition. A farewell, because the person is no longer a child; it is a separation from the objects of support that existed up to that day. It is the change of object investments. That is, it is the period in which narcissistic fragility intensifies. It is the farewell to most people’s voices, and the greeting to a deepening voice and a more masculine or more feminine body. But it is a sorrowful greeting. It is loneliness, feeling alone, and the thoughts that from now on you will remain on your own.
The adolescent is alone with a rapidly developing body and with a self that tries to catch up to it. The one who witnesses this catching up is both the observer and the one who lives it. Because some things—changes, movements—are happening in spite of him or her. The body is the witness and sufferer of formation and maturation. It is helplessness. It is being stuck between farewells and greetings. In other words, it is the time when one is confronted with responsibilities and with phrases like “Now you’re a big boy/man” or “You’re grown up now.” Adolescence is sometimes the going back and forth between “you are still too young” and “now you’re all grown up.”
Adolescence is the “in-between,” the “limbo.” It is distress; it is bursting from distress. In distress, depressive affect is the companion. The adolescent who is bored is bored by his/her losses, by the lack created by those losses, and by the emptiness created by that lack, which he/she does not know how to fill. It is time that passes in moments loaded with helplessness, where one bursts from boredom but does nothing or cannot do anything. Boredom is the leakage from the small gaps, the in-between spaces, the narcissistic cracks of metamorphosis, of evolutionary transformation and of the transitional gaps that exist within this process of transformation. Because in this transformation and metamorphosis, in this movement, nothing happens all at once. One speaks of a period, a process, an in-between area. And in this transformation, in-between areas and gaps form. Yet in childhood, those in-between spaces, those small gaps, are filled with supporting objects. In adolescence, the impulsive overflow accompanies this emptiness. That is, on one side there is emptiness, on the other side intense overflow. However, this process is not independent from childhood; on the contrary, it is the continuation of the childhood story and, together with this story, the beginning of the adulthood adventure. It is the revision of defenses and their adaptation to the adult world. It is the effort of the self-image to catch up to the body that moves ahead. Adolescence is the time when the final form of child sexuality is given. Adolescence is each adolescent’s definition of his/her own metamorphosis. Because what shapes adolescence, what gives form to this mutation, is the person’s childhood story. Adolescence is revolution, evolution, movement. It is movement; it is the effort to capture something stable within dynamism. Capturing what is stable is only possible by making this dynamism speakable and understandable. Adolescence is not only the movement of the individual but also that of the family. What a mother once said about this is important: “It feels as if we are evolving with him/her,” she said. Because as the adolescent changes physically and mentally, as the self-image begins to change, the self-image the family has been used to up to that day also begins to shift; it is the time when the family’s perspectives and evaluations must be reconsidered. That is, the change of the subject leads to changes in his/her intersubjective relationships. In this intersubjective space, too, there is movement and change. That is, the pattern of past object relations present in the relationship and communication established with the child now has to transform into another direction or another relational pattern. In other words, as a natural result of the process with the adolescent, a relational and cognitive mutation also takes place within the family. Because this is now the period when the strange, rebellious, disobedient child and, from the adolescent’s point of view, the refrain of “nobody understands me” collide and intermingle, requiring a relational revision. Note that we are talking about a necessity here. Because these changes occur despite the adolescent, despite the adolescent’s family, but they are a process in which they have to participate. At the same time, it is what must be. For this reason, adolescence is, for some, a necessary developmental process; for others, it is a condition equivalent to an illness or disorder.
According to some authors, adolescence is a second birth; according to others, the beginning of the end; and according to others, the period of becoming aware of certain endings. Because the way this process is perceived is related to how the others who are in relation with the subject can meet, tolerate, put into words this change and development, and it is connected with the quality of both the adolescent’s and the parents’ own past developmental processes. Of course, the reward of this painful process is, first and foremost, the formation of a permanent, unchanging sexual identity as a result of the sexualized body. That is, this dynamic period is the door that opens to what is stable. That is, as a result of difficulty, movement and change, a unified and enduring identity is formed. With this identity, the person enters the beginning of the question that will last until death: “Who am I? What am I?” And this entire process takes place through the translation function of the body. The body is the one that witnesses, expresses outward, mediates, and gives voice. Therefore, the body is very important in this period, in which it has such an important functionality. Because the body is the one that mediates, expresses, but is also the one subjected to all this. The body both starts the game and, in a sense, directs it. That is why adolescents most frequently engage in destructive behaviors toward their own bodies. Because this rapid development of the body leaves the self-image behind, and the distance between them grows. Up until adolescence, the body and the self-image are in harmony. The childhood self-image begins to change. One of the critical points in adolescence is that if harmony between body and self-image cannot be achieved—if development and change in the self-image stops—then problems arise at that point and can mark the beginning of certain illnesses and maladaptive behaviors. Despite all these conditions, it is essential that change and this development in adolescence continue without stalling. A stall in this developmental process in adolescence leads to a stall in the self-image as well, and this in turn leads to the emergence of bodily and mental problems. These problems can be disorders related to body image, eating disorders, self-harm behaviors, alcohol and substance abuse or dependence, and accompanying anxiety disorders, depression, and others. The fact that eating disorders often begin in adolescence indicates that the changing self-image fails to keep up with the body, and this plays an important role. We know how long adolescents can spend in front of the mirror. The adolescent’s spending hours in front of the mirror is the effort to align the changing self-image with the bodily change. At the same time, it is trying to get used to the physical and self-image known from childhood, which has been familiar and seen for many years, and bidding farewell to the past imaginal and bodily image. It is like staring for a long time at the one who is leaving, being unable to part, and having to wave goodbye even if one does not want to separate. In relation to this, I think it will clarify the topic if I recount a dream told by an adolescent with an eating disorder whom I followed in the clinic in the past. In her dream, she is in a huge field, standing right in the middle, waving farewell to what she calls her “old self.” But the departure of that old self feels very heavy to her. Here, even though we are speaking of an example of a developmental stall, in adolescence the old self-image, upon which a new one will be built and shaped, will change and a permanent identity will form. Even if we speak of development, growth, maturation, the difficulty that comes with it gives this period and this process its meaning. All the way up to this point, this metamorphic, dynamic experience shows that the essence of the adolescent process is actually the work of saying goodbye, the loss it brings, and the mourning that follows. Thus, in adolescence, the sexually and physically matured body that comes to replace child sexuality makes it possible to actualize fantasies of incest and killing the opposite-sex parent. That is, transgressing the prohibition is now possible. The physical power gained with the maturation of the body leads to the emergence of megalomaniac fantasies. The adolescent thinks he/she can do anything. That is, the megalomaniac fantasies of childhood, under the effect of physical strength, become realizable, as the maturation of the body makes this possible. These megalomaniac fantasies or narcissistic needs arise with the disappearance of the child’s physical weakness and the withdrawal of the narcissistic support and scaffolding provided by the parents. The narcissistic needs that a person has at every stage of life find a megalomaniac strength in this period through the rapidly developing body. In fact, during this process of change and formation of narcissistic balance, the person carries an underlying depressive affect in this transitional phase. But because of these megalomaniac fantasies provided by the body, the adolescent’s depressive affect is concealed beneath these megalomaniac fantasies and the power trials and destructive behaviors that sometimes result from them. In the clinic, beneath problems of adaptation and behaviors that create restlessness, we generally find depressive affect. Indeed, the diagnosis of masked depression—which is not often used in our country—is very frequently given to adolescents in Europe. Depression is generally hidden under and among these megalomaniac fantasies and the destructive behaviors they sweep along. Of course, here I am not speaking of adolescence as a narcissistic disorder. What is being discussed here is narcissistic need and the effort of the psychic apparatus to protect the ego. For if, thanks to the megalomaniac fantasy that comes with the body, the childlike narcissistic supports must be abandoned, this is quite painful. This new narcissistic formation protects the adolescent against more severe depressive and affective states. Just as a human being, from the moment of birth, alleviates his/her helplessness through various narcissistic supports, this need is felt even more intensely in this period. In addition to this movement and change, we must not forget that the adolescent process is something that develops despite the individual. This process, which occurs and continues to occur despite the individual, actually constitutes a traumatic experience and, together with it, reveals helplessness. The depressive state felt during adolescence and the narcissistic sensitivities and narcissistic needs that emerge as a result of these experiences and the weakness felt in the face of them is normal. If, within this metamorphosis, one of the reactions of the psychic apparatus—depressive affect—is not present, this may be a sign that developmental stalling has occurred or that development has jammed or short-circuited at some point. So at this point, how will we distinguish the depressive affect that is natural to the situation and unique to this process from depression that has deviated from the norm? At this point, in both theoretical and clinical observations, it has been seen that in depressive states adolescents, especially when at home, want to be alone more, spending less time in public places and more time in their own rooms. Male adolescents with depression, in particular, spend less time with same-sex friends and show social withdrawal. In girls, this situation develops differently. In female adolescents, in order to cope with depression, there emerges a need to confide in a friend and trust someone (narcissistic needs), or to seek professional help. In male adolescents, however, the depressive affect is, on the contrary, coped with via megalomaniac fantasies provided by bodily strength, through omnipotence, isolation, and the rejection of narcissistic supports outside one’s own physical power. The need for an object is fulfilled in a more egocentric manner. But rather than seeking help in proportion to the severity of the depressive feelings experienced, they try to cope by ignoring, denying, and using anti-manic and megalomaniac defenses. And the best method today for denying this impulsive overflow and what is inside is, for male adolescents, the computer games and PlayStations from which they cannot separate for hours. Because the emotional collapses and excitations that come from within and that are inevitable in this period must be numbed in some way. In this regard, clinically it did not escape the family’s notice that a male adolescent with intense depressive affect was playing PlayStation for hours. With adolescence, there was no other way to numb the narcissistic sensitivities and the strain caused by this movement. When the PlayStation game was removed, the family almost regretted having complained that their child played so much. Because a very destructive, devastating adolescent emerged. In one of the sessions, when he was asked what would happen if he did not play this game, his answer was something like: “If I think about myself, I’ll be ruined, I’ll collapse.” Of course, this example cannot be generalized, but at least it shows that this adolescent thought he could not bear the reflections of this internal dynamic process in his consciousness at this period. Of course, considered within a certain framework, this process can, especially in adolescents close to borderline pathology, bring alcohol, drugs and other impulsive and emotional desensitizers, isolators into play.
Within this dynamic process, the expressions we so often hear from adolescents—“I’m bored, I’m suffocating”—are repeated like a refrain. The adolescent can be bored, can feel sorrow, can be depressive; indeed, these emotional components are what must be. Under normal conditions, boredom is when a person has nothing to do. The individual must experience this sorrow, this mourning. The person must be able to manage boredom, to be able to be bored. Because boredom is part of the process in which a person grants time to himself/herself (A. Phillips, 1996). As I mentioned, for the adolescent who enters a new period, a new process, as the price of growing up, to bid farewell to old and familiar protective narcissistic supports and to the self-image, and to be able to remain in that experience while living it, and to be able to have the capacity to experience this change and movement, helps this painful development continue without stalling. In the opposite case, in adolescents who cannot manage to be bored and cannot live through sorrow, the situation changes and they present to us with different clinical pictures. Miller (1994) and Favazza (1996) have described, among the reasons for adolescents cutting themselves and harming themselves by cutting, the sense of emptiness and a way of coping with depression.
In studies conducted by Gjerde and colleagues in 1988, it was found that dysthymic adolescents entered into maladjusted, aggressive and oppositional attitudes; in girls, on the other hand, fragility and silence were observed. These researchers suggested that hostility and aggressive attitudes are not the cause of depression, but may be reactions to depressive experience or attempts to cope with depression. Regarding these acting-out behaviors as a way of coping with depression, Masterson in 1972 created a program for hospitalized adolescents, and the adolescents hospitalized there presented with depression, acting out, truancy, drug use and similar problems. When these adolescents’ acting-out behaviors were brought under control, it was observed that they were quite depressive. This likewise showed that acting-out behaviors are a primitive and norm-breaking defense mechanism developed against depression. And as research into the causes of acting out and ways of coping with depression deepened, it was found that the main problem in these adolescents who act out but experience intense depression underneath is the developmental stalling of the self during the adolescent process and the failure of the mother to support the development of the self due to her inadequacies, resulting in a failure of separation/individuation. This lack of support, along with other defenses, appears as a depression of abandonment, defended against earlier development. In 1996, Fonagy, in interviews with the mothers of adolescents with clinical depression hospitalized for treatment, found that the mothers were unresolved/disorganized. Those who had experienced secure attachment in mid-childhood and adolescence were seen to be successful in regulating their emotions (affective regulation). That is, for this second period of separation, letting go, individuation and farewell—adolescence—to be experienced and its mourning process to be passed through in a healthy way depends on the “in-between space” between mother and child in childhood and on the mother’s regulation of the child’s emotional regulation. In adolescence, the same test is given again in the in-between space between mother and child, but as the continuation of a structure built in childhood. In this situation, the adolescent process is an opportunity either to enhance the quality of the processes of attachment and separation or to repair the damaged foundation. Research on secure attachment has revealed a close relationship in adolescence between early dyadic regulation and later possible behavioral problems and affective disorders.
