It is difficult for us to distance ourselves from childish behaviors and a childish way of thinking. To be able to achieve this, even partially, means being able to cope more effectively with the problems of the adult world. Children hardly know the shades of gray. Things are either good or bad for them. They either love instantly or suddenly withdraw their affection. They say something is very good or very bad—without transition.
Their perception functions this way, and whether or not their desires are fulfilled determines their emotional reactions—what matters is that the desire is fulfilled here and now. In other words, children and a childish mode of thought are oriented toward the immediate gratification of pleasure. The postponement of desire and pleasure becomes possible only as time passes. They do not have soft transitions.
Sometimes, there are adults who continue to carry this childish mechanism and way of thinking into their daily lives. In relationships, they may suddenly love intensely and then instantly withdraw or become distant—just as in a childish cognitive system. Not being able to recognize the “gray,” or not being able to transition from one emotional state to another. Understanding that good and bad can coexist makes communication and relationships more adult-like and mature. We often call this prejudice or generalization, but the story is more complex than the definition. Because the mechanism of splitting (seeing only good or only bad) should not exist in adult relationships. Maturity in adulthood means distancing oneself from primitive and childish thought systems, being able to think alternatively, and prioritizing reflection and judgment over impulsive action. When we look at children, we see how quickly they can say “I don’t love you anymore” or “I love you so much.” This is their nature—this is how they experience events and relationships. Either approaching intensely or pulling away completely. Children are not capable of regulating and balancing their emotions until a certain age. The reason many adults fail in their private and social relationships is that they continue this childish way of thinking and still experience childish emotional reactions, which weakens their ability to cope with conflict.
Becoming overly excited in an instant, or suddenly feeling as if the world is ending; being unable to tolerate disappointments; avoiding sadness and replacing it with anger. What we call insufficiency in coping refers to a person having an adult body but a childish mindset—therefore failing to demonstrate internal and external (environmental) harmony because of the gap between the two. This incompatibility leads to constant externalization of problems and blaming the outside world for everything. Other people are guilty; the mistake is always theirs. Being an adult means being able to say “I did this,” “I thought this,” “I wanted this,” “I failed.” Taking responsibility for one’s actions does not mean blaming oneself unnecessarily, but being able to tolerate acknowledging mistakes. Because in the adult world, saying “I am afraid,” “It was my mistake,” “I didn’t want this,” or “I don’t want this” is difficult. The capacity to say these things develops only when one distances oneself from a childish way of thinking.
I will try to explain how a childish way of thinking marks an adult relationship with an example: A woman experiencing problems in her marriage constantly sought the reason for the problems in her husband's behavior. If he behaved well, if he fulfilled his responsibilities, she would also be well. She was not receiving the attention she desired. In her mind, all she wanted was attention. If this problem were solved, and if her husband did “what she wanted,” everything would be fine. She would insist until she “got what she wanted” and claimed she would love him more if he fulfilled her expectations. She had been married for nearly ten years with these fantasies. But what she wanted had never happened and would never happen. If we look closely, expectations such as “getting what I want,” “receiving the attention I want,” “being loved intensely” are on one hand understandable, but on the other hand contradictory to the adult world. Expecting “whatever we want, as much as we want, from the person we want” is simply unrealistic. Hoping for such expectations to be fulfilled is actually a reflection of dependency needs. Because only as children do we expect from our caregiver (usually the mother) exactly what we want, in the amount we want—and even then, we rarely get it fully. Such childish expectations lower the quality of marriages and relationships, sometimes leading to their end, and prevent the individual from thinking in a manner suitable for the adult world.
Another example: A woman who constantly had intense expectations from her partners wanted to assign them a caregiver role, just like a child would. In marriage, needing care from time to time is one thing; expecting the partner to be a constant caregiver is something completely different. Once this is recognized, it becomes clear how much burden this places on the partner, how difficult it becomes for them, and when they cannot meet these expectations, they feel inadequate and eventually escape from the burden. This burden created by childish expectations pushes the other party to create excuses, imaginary conflicts, and seek the source of the problem in wrong places. As a result, the real problem is never addressed, and either the relationship becomes emotionally unhealthy and exhausting or ends in divorce.
Living with a childish mindset as an adult means perceiving marriage as playing “house.” The game of playing house is short and harmless, but relationships and marriages can be exhausting, distressing, and even damaging. This is why individuals must review their expectations and distinguish which ones are realistic and which ones belong to their past. When you observe a couple arguing, if it is not too intense, you may notice how similar it looks to two children fighting over a toy. Blaming, externalizing problems, being unable to think rationally—how is this different from a primitive argument between children?
In the adult world, it is necessary to be able to examine the relationship even when there is no problem.
Especially in our culture, it is rare for partners or couples to dedicate even one hour a week to evaluate their relationship or marriage. It often sounds absurd to them. But they can spend hours or even weeks arguing—they always have enough energy for conflict.
Yet, in other cultures, people talk and evaluate their marriages even when there is no conflict. Talking—or rather, having a dialogue—is not something that must happen only when a problem exists. And sometimes they cannot even do that.
Another childish behavior pattern is when one partner does not want to talk, and the other insists. If one partner wants to talk, the other may not be ready at that moment—this does not mean they will never want to talk. Instead of insisting, one can try something unusual: making an appointment. “Okay, you don’t want to talk now. Then tell me when. Give me a time and date.” If familiar methods do not work, what harm is there in trying something new, even if it feels absurd?
Saying “We cannot communicate” does not suddenly create communication. It is merely a complaint. It means: “We feel as helpless as children and cannot solve our problems alone.” Saying “We cannot talk” does not motivate the other to talk. These are merely expressions of frustration and childish stubbornness. After some time, the relationship shifts from problem-solving to power struggles—trying to see who will win the argument. Like the children’s game “tag, you’re it.”
Of course, I am not saying that resolving marital conflicts is easy, nor that those who struggle are incompetent. What matters is not only forming a relationship, but maintaining it in a healthy way. What prevents this, however, is an underdeveloped sense of self, childish perception patterns, and ultimately resistance to becoming an adult.
People resist becoming adults and tend to see life as they did in childhood—like harmless, easily repaired events in cartoons, or like cartoon heroes. But being an adult means being able to live collectively, taking responsibility not only for oneself but also for another person. It means being able to support one another, sometimes carrying someone emotionally, sometimes leaning on them, and having the inner strength to do so.
