People prefer to remain ignorant and distant from their sense of self rather than learning about it or getting to know it. This ignorance serves a function of hiding and concealing them. In order to avoid coming closer to ourselves, we place long distances between us and our sense of self, developing various tactics and keeping ourselves busy with applying them.
Although these tactics and the strategies we develop may be exhausting, they keep us away from fears, anxieties, and internal conflicts that would disturb us, and thus we prefer to remain strangers to ourselves. We constantly postpone the inner journey, letting what actually belongs to us gather dust, hoping that they will eventually disappear and no longer disturb us, continuing our denial. These tactics—denial, repression, externalization, projection—are the most intense, and they serve as defenses that numb us. They are the life buoys that help us remain constantly on the defensive. These life buoys temporarily save us but, in the long term, prevent our development.
In other words, they are like momentary painkillers. However, after a certain period of overuse, these defenses wear out just like a “faucet gasket,” losing their functionality and becoming useless. At that point, we are caught by the self we have been running from and playing hide-and-seek with, and we are “tagged” by psychological difficulties and illnesses. Why do people run away from themselves? The words of my clients who have asked themselves this question and answered it themselves are meaningful and illuminating for the purpose of this text. One of my clients, after a moment of insight during a session, expressed how empty and exhausting the methods she had used to escape from herself had been with these words: “I have run away from myself, remained ignorant of myself, and the fears within me caused me to create fake fears; I have lived uneasily on top of a false life. Yet the truths I feared were my truths—my experiences and what I wished to forget.” Another client said: “The reason I started my inner journey so late, continually searching for the problem outside, wanting to look outward, is that blaming others and searching outside is safer and more comforting. To feel relieved, I distanced myself from myself, and my fears led me to cling to false fears.”
We can multiply similar examples. Of course, for a person to get to know themselves and to first be willing to see their internal conflicts is a situation that requires courage and preparation. Knowing oneself is a lifelong process, and one can never fully encounter themselves. Yet what we have lived through, repressed, pushed away, or suppressed are never things we have forgotten or escaped. As long as we do not understand our experiences, they remain as “things,” and these “things” eventually return as unexplained anxieties, unexplained distress, lack of motivation, sexual problems, etc. Since they have become disconnected from their meanings, they appear to us as if without cause, leading us to run to hospitals or psychological services as “patients” without understanding what is happening. People can live with difficulties; these difficulties do not kill them but may slowly wear them down and poison their lives. What frightens and leaves a person helpless the most is facing situations that have slipped out of their control. The more we struggle to regain control over the things we have lost control of, the more we sink. Because the psyche has already given its warning signals long before, but we have ignored them. It is time to take the vehicle to the service station. What matters is hearing the signals and moving toward a solution while we still hold some control, turning them into manageable situations. Listening to the directives of the psychic apparatus from the beginning prevents pain from turning into suffering. Otherwise, dealing with pain that has already turned into “suffering” becomes difficult and exhausting.
Internal conflicts are products of our past. Since every human being has a past and a memory, they will also have conflicts and fears. What matters is our ability to cope with them. Running away or hiding is not coping—it is merely pushing away our realities as if brushing off dust. If only they could indeed be brushed off in one stroke like dust. Many of our clients often speak about “getting rid of” and “overcoming.” These are the two primitive methods we all wish to believe we can use to cope. To get rid of something means to escape from it by leaving it undefined—until the next time it catches us. Many people ask whether there is a way to erase memories or fantasize about removing the brain entirely to escape their thoughts. Thus, they live in a dream within a dream. Resolving something—understanding it, analyzing it, discovering what the conflict is—is foreign to most people. Many believe they will get to know themselves by reading self-help books. This is a method, yes, but gaining information without working through it means progressing numb and unfeeling in the inner journey. Resolution gains meaning only when accompanied by working through. After all, emotions and experiences are not math problems; they are materials with sharp edges that penetrate our very bones. Everyone’s personal development happens with their own inner material. Each person's body is unique. Each person is “distinct,” “special.” Everyone’s “identity” material is within themselves. The process of working, developing, and getting to know oneself will occur with one’s own inner content, one’s own life story, and the resolution of one’s own conflicts. Another person’s feelings cannot explain someone else’s past or pain.
Living well is possible through the effort to understand oneself, the process of making sense, and ultimately encountering and meeting oneself. A person’s real reckoning is with themselves. Their conflicts and anger are related to their own perceptions, thoughts, and internalizations. Even when we get angry with our parents, spouses, or friends, we are actually clashing with the internalized figures within us. We are beings who exist with our perceptions, live through our perceptions, and feel and think with our perceptions. Perception is interpretation. It is interpreting reality—sometimes distorting it, sometimes adding to it, sometimes understanding it in the way we wish. It is not taking reality as it is, especially when we do not truly know what reality is. Searching for the problem within ourselves and looking inward does not mean we are wrong or faulty; it is a sign of maturity.
Understanding facilitates being understood; being understood serves both our relationship with ourselves and our relationship with others. Knowing our own color and recognizing our shades increases the quality of life and creates inner harmony. A person who has achieved internal harmony does not need to strive to create external harmony, because external harmony—harmony with others—is a reflection of inner harmony. Therefore, knowing ourselves and our color prevents us from losing our sense of self when the colors of others blend into ours, and it makes us stable. This way, others’ internal conflicts do not mix with ours, and we preserve our own boundaries.
