Just like everything else, marriage and the dynamics and conditions that define it are changing. Just as psychiatry and psychology now define disorders within a wider spectrum, or the way we describe personality organizations, explanations, and interventions has evolved, the dynamics of marriage have also undergone changes — while some aspects remain constant, definitions and approaches have shifted, and the framework of marriage has begun to take new forms. Whether we call marriage an institution, a partnership, a union, being spouses, or a relational collaboration, all of these labels reflect ongoing efforts to understand what marriage truly is and how the individuals within it should be positioned.
Although marriage is a dynamic institution, it is deeply shaped by emotions, personal interests, the desire to gain or maintain status, the longing to have children, the need to ease cultural pressures, and fulfilling societal expectations.
Even though we often speak of emotions—love, being loved, respect, protection, economic support—the foundation of marriage is rooted in the satisfaction of the individual’s unconscious wishes and desires.
Whether a marriage reaches a breaking point or comes to an end after a certain period is closely tied to how much these unconscious needs are being fulfilled, or whether the person believes they will eventually be fulfilled.
In marriages that continue, individuals either have not lost hope regarding these needs or desires, or they feel that their needs are being fulfilled to some degree. As these needs are satisfied, emotional bonding strengthens. Before marriage, there are several important questions people should ask themselves. Reflecting on these questions does not make the relationship mechanical; rather, it helps adjust expectations, understand potential disappointments, tolerate them better, or even prevent them as much as possible.
- Have you been married before? Why do you think it didn’t work out?
- In which of your past relationships did you feel deeply insecure?
- When did you first feel you were in love? What drew you into that relationship?
- How long did your longest relationship last? Do your relationships generally last long?
- When you compare your past relationships with your current one, what differences do you see?
- If you were previously married and have children, what role do those children play in your new relationship?
- Why do you prefer marriage instead of simply living together?
- Do you think your past relationships remain in the past, or are you carrying them into this new one?
- What will make you different in this relationship compared to the previous ones?
- Do you think you would prioritize this relationship or your partner above other areas of your life? If so, why?
- If your partner were to lose a limb in this relationship, what would you do?
- Is living close to or far from your families important to you?
- Do your families influence your decisions?
- Do you and your partner agree on what makes a fun day?
- Is order important to you? How tolerant are you of disorder?
- Are roles in marriage determined by gender?
- How different are the things that make you sad or happy compared to those that affect your partner?
- Are there places or people besides your partner where you feel safer?
- What types of sexual activities make you happy, and are there activities that make you uncomfortable?
- Can you talk about these things with your partner?
- Are emotional and sexual fidelity necessary for a happy marriage?
Of course, there are hundreds more questions that could be asked.
And there are even questions we cannot answer — and perhaps will never be able to answer. Marriage, alongside emotions, is a decision that must be thought through and approached with a sense of certainty at an optimal level.
Most of the time, the worst decision is worse than indecision…
