When faced with abandonment, people often experience significant psychological difficulties. In addition, various psychological defense mechanisms are activated in response to abandonment. These mechanisms are the ways people try to protect themselves from the emotional stress of being left. Among them are denial, relying on selective and misleading memory, blaming, rationalization, idealization, projection, and assigning an idealized meaning to the other person. However, these mechanisms usually provide only temporary relief and may not contribute to long-term emotional healing.
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Feelings of Abandonment
In clinical settings and in daily life, we often encounter certain emotions, yet patients with borderline personality structure experience these emotions much more frequently and intensely. One of the core issues of borderline individuals is the fear of abandonment. Because of this, feelings such as emptiness, depression, anger, guilt, helplessness, and overwhelming fear permeate their lives in a very intense way.
These individuals spend most of their lives defending themselves against these emotions within their relationships and psychological functioning.
It is important to distinguish abandonment feelings or intrapsychic experiences from real-life separations occurring in the patient’s environment. The term “abandonment feelings” refers to the patient's intrapsychic experience — that is, how the person emotionally experiences a situation of separation. Whether an external experience leads to “abandonment feelings” depends not only on the experience itself but also on the patient’s internal world.
Components of Abandonment Feelings
These components include depression, anger and rage, fear, guilt, passivity and helplessness, and emptiness. The intensity and level of each component vary depending on the individual’s specific developmental traumas. However, all borderline patients show these components to some degree.
Depression
These are feelings that emerge when a part of the self or a source believed to be essential for survival is lost or threatened.
Note: In borderline cases, this is very evident. Patients often express statements such as “I need an emotional bond to live” or, for many female patients, “I only feel that I exist when there is a man beside me.” These statements reveal their deep struggle with loneliness and how much their sense of existence depends on an external figure — symbolically representing the archaic mother.
Patients often describe this loss as similar to losing a limb or being deprived of vital substances such as oxygen, plasma, or blood. This aspect of depression highlights how it differs from typical adult depression, showing the presence of a harsh, punitive superego that squeezes the ego until it becomes exhausted.
The emergence of depression during therapy represents, in itself, a motivational force. In the initial or testing phase of therapy, the patient may complain of boredom, vague numbness, or low-level depression, yet the emotional intensity appears mild — a sign that the patient is still well-defended against abandonment feelings. As defenses weaken, depression becomes more intense, suppressed memories emerge, and the patient begins to visibly suffer.
NOTE: In therapy, this is often sensed by the therapist. Patients may say things like: “I’m afraid of what will come out,” “I’m not ready to face all of this yet.” These statements reflect the presence of underlying memories or internal pain.
As the patient tries even harder to reinforce defenses, and as the therapist continues to work through these defenses, the patient gradually descends into the depths of depression — almost always accompanied by suicidal longing and the belief that they will never again have access to essential emotional resources. At this point, the patient is at serious risk of suicide.
Example:
A 16-year-old borderline adolescent in a highly symptomatic phase — with sleep difficulty, headaches, nausea, and diarrhea — described her feelings as follows:
“I feel like I’m going downhill fast. It really scares me. I feel paranoid, and I don’t want to see anyone. When I walk into my classroom, I feel alone, isolated, disconnected — like I’m standing in a colorless brown void where no one exists.”
“I feel like I’m dying. It’s as if I’m crushed beneath a heavy feeling of self-hatred. I feel weakened, helpless, decayed like a rotten tree. Hopeless, exhausted — I can’t do anything. I feel terribly wounded, as if I’m falling apart. I’m scared of my own emptiness — if there were poison here, I would drink it.”
Anger
The intensity of the patient’s anger and how often it appears in therapy correlate closely with the severity of depression. The more depressed the patient becomes, the more intense the anger. The anger is often generalized and projected onto current situations. As memories associated with emotions emerge, the anger becomes more focused on the mother. At the deepest level — parallel to the suicidal grief — lie aggressive fantasies and impulses directed toward the mother.
Fear
This refers to the fear of being helpless, the fear that essential resources will be cut off, or the fear of dying or being killed. Early psychosomatic signs include severe migraine-like headaches, gastrointestinal ulcers, and similar issues. Asthma can symbolize the fear of dying when resources (air) are cut off, and peptic ulcers the longing for lost emotional nourishment. Sometimes panic alone dominates the clinical picture enough to obscure the underlying depression and anger.
The extent and intensity of fear depend on how much the mother used threats of abandonment as a disciplinary strategy.
Example:
In therapy, emotions toward the mother often do not surface easily because they belong to early childhood and are intensely uncomfortable to feel. These emotions can be detected by analyzing dreams. For example, a borderline adolescent who dreamed of being chased by the mafia realized, through associations, that these figures symbolized feelings toward his mother. He said: “When I don’t block my feelings about my mother, I become depressed, feel worthless, and start thinking everyone hates me. I even believe you think I’m a hopeless case and dislike me. I know these thoughts aren’t real, but I can’t stop thinking this way.”
Over time, the patient began expressing anger toward his mother, but before doing so, he experienced episodes of panic and dreams of being killed. Talking about these emotions evokes guilt, fear of losing control over anger, fear of abandonment, and depression.
A borderline adult patient once said that because his mother did not love him, he believed no one else ever would — but also added: “If I can learn to love myself, maybe I won’t feel this way anymore.”
Guilt
This guilt emerges when the child internalizes the mother’s negative reactions. What once had a different meaning now becomes directed at the self. When the mother withdraws her approval in response to the child's attempts to express individuality, the child begins to feel guilty for wanting separation and autonomy — for having thoughts, desires, emotions, and actions that differ from the mother’s expectations. To avoid guilt, the child suppresses this individuality and becomes chronically clinging and demanding, sabotaging their own independence.
Passivity and Helplessness
When the patient attempts to assert themselves, the mother withdraws approval, interpreting autonomy as a threat. Thus, the patient associates self-expression with fear of abandonment. Confronted with such situations, the patient collapses under passivity and helplessness, believing that independence means losing the mother’s love.
For example, a borderline patient financially dependent on her mother avoided working because earning her own money symbolized separation. Later she realized that earning money did not necessarily mean she had to leave her mother. “If I earn my own money, I won’t need to move out — and my mother will be pleased. She’ll love me more, and the fear of losing her will disappear,” she concluded.
Emptiness and Nothingness
This feeling is often described as numbness or a terrifying inner void. It arises from internalizing the mother’s neglect, lack of emotional containment, and absence of positive emotional nourishment.
Life After Divorce
After a divorce, people experience a mix of emotions. Even when there is no doubt that the decision to divorce was the right one, feelings like longing, anger, or questioning can emerge. It is important to understand that these reactions are natural. But how does one cope with these emotions?
Emotions are neither good nor bad — what matters is acknowledging them. After divorce, many people feel vulnerable, alone, or afraid. This is a new situation, and humans need time to adapt. Regardless of how negative the memories of the former spouse may be, there is still a loss. And with loss comes grief. This grief is not necessarily for the spouse but for the shared life, the routines, and the structure that once existed.
It is not advisable to start a new relationship immediately after divorce. Grieving requires reflection: recognizing past mistakes, understanding the reasons behind conflicts, and examining needs and unmet desires — all of which are necessary for emotional clarity. Starting a new relationship too quickly risks placing unrealistic expectations on the new partner or unconsciously repeating old patterns.
Divorce means change. Ending what is unhealthy or unsatisfying often brings pain — but the height of the pain is often where healing begins. Do not fear this pain.
Change is a beginning.
List the reasons for your divorce and think about what you would have done differently if you hadn’t been married. Exploring unfulfilled desires or postponed plans can be helpful.
A failed relationship does not mean the partners themselves are failures. People are not purely good or bad — they are both.
Divorce reflects the realization that a shared decision no longer serves both partners. Not every decision in life leads us to the right place. If there is no abuse, there is no “villain.” And just as no one marries to get divorced, no relationship is guaranteed to last forever.
Divorce can affect self-esteem. Some individuals may feel worthless. But are these feelings truly caused by the divorce? Or were they long-standing inner conflicts that finally surfaced?
Life events can push us to question where we stand — and where we want to go. New circumstances can feel overwhelming at first, but people eventually adapt. Humans are incredibly capable of adjustment.
What matters is shortening this adaptation process.
Do not pretend to be strong — build strength.
Relationships and people are not inherently unreliable.
A relationship ending can be preparation for a healthier one.
Every failing relationship sends signals long before it ends. Did you see them?
How did you respond?
Divorce can create depressive feelings and emotional exhaustion. How can you revitalize yourself?
After divorce, you may feel:
- Wounded
- Ashamed
- Guilty
- Unsuccessful
- Rejected
- Alone and helpless
And many similar emotions.
Of course, all of this depends greatly on how and why the divorce occurred.
