The absence of the mother despite her physical presence creates a profound confusion within the child. The mother’s inability to see herself and her uncertainty about her own existence automatically reflects on the child’s perception of their own existence. For the mother is a mirror—she reflects, she mirrors back. The child’s inner world is formed through these reflections. In the earliest phase, whatever one sees in the mirror is precisely what one becomes.
For a child who is unseen by the mother, whose existence is not acknowledged and therefore not loved, the mother’s presence is replaced by a feeling of emptiness. This emptiness is in fact the “trace” left by neglect.
As I have explained in a previous writing with definitions and examples, speaking of emptiness is essentially to speak of early developmental neglect and trauma. Whether it is the impact of inadequate mothering, the deficiencies created by a lack of mirroring, or growing up deprived of affection and emotional attunement—these early deficits follow individuals into adulthood. They disrupt the structure of the self, creating a persistent sense of unreality, making it difficult to feel grounded, to belong, to sustain relationships, or to maintain stability in any area of life. These individuals want closeness yet fear the intimacy that closeness brings; they approach and withdraw repeatedly, unable either to fully remain in a relationship or to fully leave it.
These individuals painfully experience difficulties related to attachment: inability to differentiate, to individuate, to integrate, and to truly connect with the other. They writhe in the pain of these experiences and simultaneously invite that pain back into their lives. This resembles a “repetition compulsion,” wherein unhealthy relational patterns are unconsciously recreated. When the feeling of emptiness merges with loneliness, it develops into a deep sense of meaninglessness and purposelessness. As this affect intensifies, individuals attempt to stimulate themselves in destructive ways—seeking to feel alive, to compensate for the damaged self, to awaken a sense of existence by repeatedly provoking themselves through various behaviors.
These behaviors may include self-harm, suicide attempts, alcohol or substance misuse, risky behaviors, or sexual addiction. The aim is to integrate what is fragmented, to feel the self, to see and show that one exists. Yet none of these methods involve thinking or reflection; they are primitive, childlike responses—identical to the developmental period in which the injury originally occurred.
Young children, interpreting the world with their limited cognitive development, often perceive neglect or abuse as their fault. They believe they have done something wrong, something bad, and internalize the experience as punishment for their own mistakes. Although they may express hatred or anger in adulthood, this anger—which was encoded in childhood as “my fault,” “my crime”—turns inward. Thus, the punishment is enacted upon the body. All of this unfolds under the influence of unconscious processes; the individual is unaware of this dynamic and may even insist that the pain brings pleasure. These abstract traces of the self eventually become concrete wounds; they become witnesses to the past.
Many individuals with early developmental injuries show the scars on their arms or bodies and say, “I left a mark—I marked that period.” They do this to avoid forgetting, to bear witness, and to indicate the location of the “self-injuries” inflicted during that time.
Adults who repeatedly experience fear and terror, often in extreme ways, come to believe that suffering is necessary to survive. Deep guilt feeds this suffering continuously. The only way to momentarily silence guilt is through pain. The guilt becomes so intense that pain ceases to be pain—it becomes pleasure. Pain becomes the evidence of a self that cannot otherwise feel its own existence. Existence becomes anchored in pain. Over time, the individual becomes encased in a “shell of pain,” which both protects them from guilt and serves as proof of their existence. Pain becomes vital. Moreover, this “shell of pain” functions as a defensive wall against the early perceived harshness and danger of the world—a world internalized as dangerous and unforgiving.
These individuals, who frequently speak of “distress” (not boredom, but existential distress), use pain as a way to manage inner deficiencies (“I feel incomplete”), feelings of being unloved or unvalued, identity confusion, maladjustment, and childlike loneliness. Pain becomes a primitive relational form—a guarantee of reality and a means of connecting with the self. Pain becomes a language, a new dialect that expresses the inner world. Pain stabilizes a fragile internal and external reality.
Originally, this stabilization should have been provided by the mother. In early life, the infant borrows the mother’s affect regulation, language, thought system, and ultimately her sense of self—until their own self forms. When the mother is absent or unable to regulate the infant, the child forms an unfilled self, which is identical to the experience of emptiness. Researcher David Le Breton calls this: “I suffer, therefore I am.”
When the mother fails to regulate affects at the necessary developmental stages, pain replaces the mother’s regulatory function. These individuals speak through pain—through cutting, injuring, or harming themselves. Just as a pre-verbal child has a unique language that is difficult for us to understand, the self-harming individual speaks through the language of pain—and we, in turn, experience helplessness and difficulty understanding them. Another reason we struggle to understand is that the emptiness, meaninglessness, and despair they carry is so intense and painful that listening and empathizing with it becomes difficult to bear.
Pain externalizes both the bad aspect of life and the damaged part of the self. It is a fierce struggle to protect the remaining good within the self from the overwhelming “bad.” It is an attempt to recover lost love, care, or a sense of value. These individuals longed profoundly for someone in early childhood, yet never found that person—and eventually had to rely on themselves in every circumstance. They attempt to survive using primitive methods, however destructive. They repeatedly find themselves in relationships that harm, humiliate, or crush them, reenacting these dynamics and imprisoning themselves in these patterns. It is well-known that such individuals “throw soap under their own feet”—sabotaging themselves. When life goes well, they panic, because destructiveness is their only familiar form of living.
