A wrong relationship cannot be lived right.
A healthy relationship first and foremost means a relationship that makes you feel good. It is a structure in which you have fun, feel good, spend your time well, sometimes learn and sometimes teach, take shelter, hug and are hugged, feel loved and know you are loved, can meet your needs and satisfy your desires, can open up comfortably and rest, feel understood, make time for and receive care and show care, that guides you and that you can guide, that is a special part of your life and in which you feel special, where you wander at the peaks of respect and ultimately, for all these reasons, place at the center of your life without hesitation.
It is a structure because all of these things we have listed and those we could not list are the product of a construction. Individuals in a healthy relationship know they are special to one another, and they take great joy in having someone around who believes they are special, in that person being present and close to them. The presence of someone they can trust and lean on is as solid and warm as the trust a small child feels for their mother. A healthy relationship is to believe that you exist within a structure where warmth is felt, where you feel wrapped in softness yet experience it as solid and durable, and to live this pleasure.
A healthy relationship makes it possible to be childlike at times without losing maturity, to be playful without crossing boundaries, to melt into the other without losing individuality, and to feel sad for the other without losing your own happiness. A healthy relationship makes you healthy, increases your resilience against the difficulties of life, and strengthens your endurance through the power of sharing and being able to offer support. A healthy relationship is a structure that strengthens, softens, relaxes, is healthy, free of problems, and allows you to breathe. A healthy relationship is to be able to prioritize the needs of the person in front of you without neglecting your own needs and desires. It is to listen and be listened to, to be thought of and to think of the other, to make sacrifices and to see sacrifice. It is a structure in which taking and giving are equal and this balance is maintained fairly. It is a structure you can run to and calm down when you feel wronged, where you can stop, rest with peace and a sense of safety when you are tired, and where you can make the most meaningful and generous investments of your life. It is like fresh air, where pressure is felt the least and where you can feel the most free. It is an environment as sterile, quiet and peaceful as a mother’s womb, where harm is reduced to a minimum.
It is like colorful dreams in which you don’t understand how time passes and in which you consider every second to be a gain and imagine spending your life. A healthy relationship is a partnership that we care for at least as much as in the first months, in which we do not reduce our investment even after years have passed, in which we make efforts, work for it, always make it our goal, do not forget, do not neglect and cannot neglect, in which sometimes effort is burdensome but the excitement is not lost while bearing that burden, in which the partnership is not broken and togetherness is lived with the excitement of the very first day.
It is a structure made of the mortar of appreciation and respect, where all thoughtful behaviors are displayed, where individuals focus on what each other says with attention and care, where mistakes are corrected together, where problems are solved in cooperation, and where subtlety is embroidered like fine embroidery.
In healthy relationships, individuals discover things that are enjoyed together and that give pleasure. This discovery strengthens the partnership, keeps the pleasure alive in time and in taste, brings the two selves closer to each other day by day, brings them closer and, instead of constricting and tightening as they draw nearer, creates situations that bring relief. It broadens mutual interests, expands the space in which the relationship will spread and live. It turns the relationship into fertile soil where constriction and feeling trapped are minimal or never experienced. Fertile soil both makes the relationship healthy and allows it to take root.
If mistakes are neither thrown in each other’s faces nor swept under the rug, if genuine apologies are made, if you can manage to do this even in moments of anger and sadness, it means you are living on the foundation of a healthy relationship. Being able to say “I’m sorry” and being able to accept an apology are like the beams of a healthy relationship, enabling individuals to possess a healing form of understanding.
Healthy relationships need periodic maintenance; as time passes, the destructive and inconsiderate drives that exist in human nature can disrupt relationships and sometimes cause them to stall. Or people’s expectations, needs, and desires can change at each stage of life, goals can diverge, thoughts can change, and feelings can fluctuate. In order to sustain a healthy relationship, it is necessary to remain alert to the potential for relationships to be damaged by these factors, to be ready for change and to bring about change, and to undergo restructuring.
In relationships, disagreements are the basis of restructuring. Resolving disagreements transforms them into building blocks of the relationship, and these building blocks pave the way for a strong relationship that is as valuable and solid as a jewel.
Disagreements that at first seem like a swamp turn into a lush green forest when resolved, and the lungs of the relationship are cleansed and refreshed. A healthy relationship does not mean a relationship in which interaction is minimal, where there are no disagreements, no conflicts, and no problems. On the contrary, the desire to resolve these and the willingness to work through them strengthen the relationship.
A healthy relationship is a state in which anger is calmed before it turns into rage, in which sadness is prevented from turning into lasting sorrow, and in which small leaks are patched up before they turn into a river that engulfs us. A healthy relationship is like a therapeutic environment in which even the most illogical demands can be voiced, the most absurd wishes are listened to without immediate rejection, and even the most fanciful thoughts are met with an effort to understand them. In a good relationship, the sources of problems and leaks are examined and tried to be understood with minimal prejudice and with patience.
A relationship is an environment in which unspoken expectations are explored, unexpressed desires are talked about, and needs are discussed in their most uncensored form.
Each relationship has its own pattern, and this pattern is shaped by the creativity of those who create it. Every good relationship, aside from creativity, carries determination, perseverance, patience, the ability to produce, and the desire to protect what is produced.
A healthy relationship is a structure in which haste is least present, in which the virtue and maturity of being able to postpone are lived most fully, and in which the saturation point of patience reaches its peak. In a healthy relationship, the resolution of conflicts may not arrive immediately; a problem may seem insoluble, yet it means knowing that the solution is proportional to the individuals’ desire to solve it.
In healthy relationships, solutions that will not come immediately can, without expiring with the passage of time, be resolved when the right environment is found and the competence to solve is shown.
A healthy relationship does not necessarily mean always agreeing, always being of one mind, seeing from the same frame, thinking the same way, or having identical tastes; it is the situations in which differences can exist and are perceived as colors, in which differing thoughts are seen as opportunities for healthy discussion and for growing closer in understanding our thoughts.
A relationship is not agreeing on everything but having the strength to digest not agreeing. Understanding is born from disagreements, and closeness is born from the presence of non-destructive conflicts.
A healthy relationship is the point of compromise of healthy communication. Healthy communication is the product of openness, direct messages, non-circumvented expectations and desires, and the courage to express one’s wants no matter how difficult it may be.
A healthy relationship cannot live in the shadow of ambiguity. It shines, revives, and does not darken in the clarity of openness. Vague words and unclear messages are doomed to interpretation. Comments made without understanding or being understood become hurtful, unjust, and baseless.
Truly listening protects us from merely hearing, from assuming we have understood, from “as ifs,” and from regrets. Listening is difficult enough, is perceived as boring and as a sort of imprisonment. The issue we most often warn the person in front of us about in relationships is this: outbursts such as “listen to me,” “you’re not listening,” “learn to listen,” “first, just listen” are compulsory invitations to make the other listen to us. For people, speaking, reasoning, and commenting are very easy and are often preferred over listening.
Listening is considered a passive position, as if by listening we are defeated and made passive within the relationship. Speaking, on the other hand, feels like winning, being active, and proving that we are on top. Listening with the aim of truly understanding is what makes a relationship a relationship, and it makes the individuals active in the opposite way. Although listening is a situation in which our own perceptions and understandings inevitably intrude, the more we distance ourselves from our own formulas and judgments, the more we actually manage to listen.
Listening means accepting the other person’s values, thoughts, perceptions, and understanding. In other words, it is the ability to grasp that they are different from us. Listening means focusing not on ourselves but on the other’s thoughts, feelings, and almost every word. Listening means asking when we do not understand, making the effort to grasp, and striving to minimize assumptions and suppositions. Listening is the struggle and the resulting victory we achieve over ourselves in order to focus on what the other person is saying. A healthy relationship is not a battlefield where victories are won, but a middle ground where mutual gains are secured.
A healthy relationship is a partnership created by individuals who intend to compromise and are willing to agree.
A healthy relationship is a structure in which commitment does not turn into dependency, which contains individual privacy and establishes clear boundaries in this regard, where lines are clear, which does not suffocate, does not torment, respects limits, does not imprison, but is integrated with loyalty.
Rather than individuals clinging to one another, a healthy relationship is a dignified framework of formation that protects freedom without creating dependency, yet contains all the elements of the concept of commitment down to the finest detail and allows a person to live their adventure of freedom with the greatest passion. A healthy relationship is a formation, a mechanism that, when necessary over time, changes, moves, sometimes even makes revolutions, but preserves its openness and essence amidst all this. It is a mechanism because it is not colorless or tasteless, not a structure of taboos and rigid fixedness, but a living system with its own internal dynamics that can preserve its flavor, that can take on different tastes, and that can even include intermediate colors. Its vitality is constant; it takes on life through the vitality of the individuals within it, is nourished, grows, develops, branches out, and spreads from generation to generation.
A healthy relationship is passed from generation to generation because it is a valuable legacy and the right of future generations. Healthy relationships challenge separations; they are the ones farthest from separation, existing in a place completely apart from separations. They are the furthest from an ending and always close to a beginning because of the investment put into them. Healthy relationships are deep. They are not on the surface. They are deep, rooted, deep and sincere, deep because they are different. They preserve their depth within that depth. Because they are not easy, yet at the same time, they are easy. Their ease lies in intention, desire, determination, resolve, and consistency. They are the work of the consistent. They do not harbor falseness; their depth lies in their reality. Their reality lies at the edge of perceptions of high quality and broad-perspective ways of seeing.
- Is a healthy relationship utopian? Are those who manage to build a healthy relationship heroes of fantasy? Are they beings detached from reality? Or is everything I have said up to now the pulp of a reality that has been emptied of its essence?
- At any point in your life, have you evaluated your ongoing or past relationships, questioned where you may have gone wrong, thought about what was missing, or compared your relationships with one another?
- What do you think is the most important and necessary skill in being able to manage and sustain a relationship?
- Is trusting as important as loving in your relationships?
- What are your criteria for trust when it comes to relationships?
- Do you know what is necessary for a strong and lasting relationship?
- Do you know that your relationships begin with you and end with you?
- Do you believe that relationships are a partnership?
- What are the things you do not believe in when it comes to relationships?
A Healthy Relationship Is Like a Well-Tended Garden!
In many shared aspects, relationships resemble a garden. For them to remain lush and productive, watering, pruning, and structural maintenance are required. Relationships cannot be made fruitful solely through environmental arrangement. Structural, foundational maintenance and effort ensure durability and permanence. Just like in gardens. It is not hard to imagine what can happen to neglected, uncared-for, and abandoned gardens. If the ground of the garden is soil, then the ground of the relationship is first and foremost the emotional bond, trust, and commitment that individuals feel for each other.
If the productivity and quality of trees, flowers, and all plants in the garden are determined by the fertility and richness of the soil, then in a relationship this forms the deep foundation on which a tripartite structure rests. The ground of communicating is talking, but first of all listening; this is like water, the essential and fundamental need of the garden. It gives life, prevents drying and decay, ensures the vigorous growth of plants, helps them take root, and brings color. The most harmful factor that makes relationships monotonous, boring, and ultimately that ends and terminates them is the inability to communicate and to sustain communication. Lack of communication is like an infestation of harmful insects that slowly rot the plants from within and make the garden pale and feeble.
If the garden is overrun by harmful things, with some luck and serious effort it may return to its former state; if we are not so lucky, we lose our garden—that is, our relationship. Being able to tend a garden is first possible by being able to care for ourselves. Being able to care for ourselves is about being aware of our own wants and needs. In other words: what kind of garden do you want, and how much of it can you care for? How much of a gardener can we be when it comes to garden care? And if we do not know, it is about whether we are sufficiently willing, self-sacrificing, and determined to learn and grow in this regard, and, above all, whether we truly see this garden as worth investing in.
A sentence that a great majority of the couples for whom I carry out Couples Therapy in the clinic say is worth thinking about: “People around us think we are such a good couple, but here we are, and we had to seek help.” These words can belong to individuals who have not taken garden care—that is, investment in the relationship—seriously, who have assumed that relationships can mechanically sustain themselves. A relationship is not an automatic process. By itself, it proceeds only to a certain point; what gives it momentum are our guidance and our efforts. These couples are, in general, those who preserve only the appearance—that is, who have only done gardening on the surface. A relationship is possible with structural reinforcement. Just like the serious care we give the soil of the garden, the seasonal investments we make according to different seasons, the rearrangements we make depending on sunlight, and our ability to adapt it to every kind of climatic condition.
Most people think that being able to have a relationship means living together and that physical togetherness is sufficient. And in the end, they assume the relationship will simply carry on, leaving it to its own devices. Such neglected relationships abandon the individuals after a certain time. As the soil becomes infertile, it can no longer… These words may belong to individuals who have not taken garden care—that is, investment in the relationship—seriously and who have assumed that relationships can mechanically sustain themselves. A relationship is not an automatic process. By itself, it proceeds only to a certain point; what gives it momentum are our guidance and our efforts. These couples are, in general, those who preserve only the appearance—that is, who have only done gardening on the surface. A relationship is possible with structural reinforcement. Just like the serious care we give the soil of the garden, the seasonal investments we make according to different seasons, the rearrangements we make depending on sunlight, and our ability to adapt it to every kind of climatic condition.
Most people think that being able to have a relationship means living together and that physical togetherness is sufficient. And in the end, they assume the relationship will simply carry on, leaving it to its own devices. Such neglected relationships abandon the individuals after a certain time. As the soil becomes infertile and can no longer grasp or nourish the plants, it cannot help them grow. A relationship deserves individuals who, like a gardener, are willing, when necessary, to endure the thorns of the rose, to burn under the sun, to get tired, to sweat, and who, as time passes, become more skilled in this. Relationships for which sufficient effort is made and continues to be made allow us to capture the pleasure that a lush, beautifully scented, and calming garden brings; the result is just that delightful. Within a relationship, from time to time being able to accept fault and apologize, to be compassionate without criticizing, to patiently continue investing and reflecting, is like vitamins that increase the fertility of the soil and help the plants grow. In relationships, physical touch—embracing, holding, touching—has been shown to increase oxytocin (the love hormone).
Relationships need care, attention, and, for all of this to be present, effort. Just like a lush green garden that looks beautiful, makes us feel our vitality, enlivens us, and is well tended. When you listen carefully to what people say, you will see that in everyone’s expression there is a desire to be cared for, to receive attention, to be looked after. They complain about neglect and not being attended to enough. But do we ever think about whether people’s own needs, desires, and their fulfillment and satisfaction can truly be experienced in a relationship that is not healthy, well cared for, and attentive? Who speaks of the quality and productivity of the relationship itself—the soil on which the garden grows—as individuals focus only on their own needs, on expressing their wishes, and on their complaints? Can we expect crops from soil that is not invested in, not cultivated, not watered, and not tended?
People neglect the relationship itself. They behave as if the relationship were something independent of themselves and their partnership, putting themselves in the foreground. In this context, individuals who come to psychotherapy talk about how “sick” their relationships actually are and how they have difficulty in forming and sustaining relationships.
Though a person may have many different reasons for seeking psychological help, a life cycle unique to each individual, and a separate life story, we see that everything they experience ultimately rests on a relationship problem. Some talk about the distress of their communication problems with their spouse, others about issues with their parents, some about their boss, and others about problems with their girlfriend/boyfriend. One end of all psychological distress and disorders inevitably lies in relationships.
We cannot think otherwise. Relationship is the foundation of existence, the reason we come into life, the reason we survive. The distorted perceptions, inflated and unrealistic expectations of the people who come to us have made the relationship sick, and in the end, they have reached a point where they need help. Can we speak of any environment, time, or even sentence in which relationship is not present? Indeed, whatever psychological or psychiatric disorder we talk about, we see that relationship problems exist within all of them, and our work focuses on treating relationship issues. And in many of the sentences conveyed by these individuals—such as “what is happening to us?”, “what happened to us?”, “what happened to them?”, “this man/woman has changed,” etc.—we see that, once again, individuals put themselves in the foreground, leading to the neglect of the relationship and causing the relationship to remain in the shadow of individuals’ personal problems. The reason is that the wants, needs, and expectations of individuals in the relationship are experienced so intensely and insatiably that the relationship itself is neglected like barren soil, left to its fate. From uncultivated soil, unwatered flowers, and an untended garden, nothing can be obtained visually, in scent, in touch, or in pleasure.
Low Self-Esteem Kills a Healthy Relationship
We can define low self-esteem as a lack of self-confidence and the belief that one is more worthless and inadequate than other people.
We see that a relationship formed by a person who has these feelings is slowly eaten away and hollowed out by these thoughts and emotions, and ultimately that their relationships die in a painful way. Failing to recognize feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, or recognizing them but thinking these feelings and thoughts will be resolved within the relationship they are going to enter or have entered, leads the person to great disappointment and exposes them to very intense pain.
Because such a person will live and make others live a large, compressed, and dark emotional state in which they constantly feel they are not valued, that they are not given worth, constantly feel inadequate, and continuously compare themselves to others, leading to jealousy, envy, aggressive behavior, crying spells, fits of anger, complaints of not receiving attention, and feelings of not being loved, all of which weaken and ultimately destroy the relationship like worms that gnaw at a flower, poisoning it and killing it. Moreover, they will not take responsibility for this, will continually put the blame on the other party, seek support from friends for this, gather allies, and strive to justify themselves. Yet one part of them will ask why they see themselves as so inadequate and worthless but will answer this with transient, fleeting, anesthetizing phrases like “I did the best I could,” comforting themselves.
At the beginning of the book, when I said that people should discover and know their own characteristics before entering into a relationship, one of the points I meant was that those who are in a relationship may be doing so with low self-worth.
People who feel insecure not only fail to contribute to their relationships but also hinder the contributions of the person on the other side of the relationship. They cannot stop themselves from questioning, doubting, and getting stuck, and thus bring relationships to an end. And they confirm their own prophecy: “I already knew it would end one day,” and “I had already realized that this person could not be trusted.” The relationships of such individuals constantly go downhill; instead of deepening, their relationships become shallow and unbearable. They spend their lives in unstable relationships but never look for the problem in themselves, constantly complaining that “the person they are looking for has never appeared.” Because they cannot tolerate criticism, they refuse to grow within the relationship; since they believe there is nothing about them that can be criticized, they leave their relationships, like themselves, devoid of criticism, growth, development, and maturation.
And eventually, the relationship that is not tended and cannot grow dies due to the weakness caused by this neglect. But those with trust problems kill one relationship and run to another, and end up becoming “serial relationship killers.” Problems that people with low self-esteem are likely to experience frequently in a relationship include jealousy, extreme sensitivity to events and being constantly on alert, restlessness, feelings of worthlessness, dwelling too much on memories and the past, ruminating, questioning, being stuck in the past, anger, and automatic thoughts.
After all, how you are treated in a relationship is important. If you have low self-esteem and a relationship has become indispensable and the focal point of your life, then after a certain time this issue will become more sensitive, and it means you will evaluate all the words and stimuli coming from the other side through this template and direct the relationship accordingly.
When your relationship partner behaves in a way that fits your templates of what it means to value you and acts in line with your needs, this becomes the best relationship and best partner for you; but when they step outside this template, they become an extremely worthless partner and relationship that must be questioned and abandoned. And the relationship will swing back and forth with your fluctuating emotions, swaying left and right under the astonished, bewildered gaze of your partner…
A Relationship Is a Structure Formed by Individuals Who Are Always Ready to Listen to Each Other
In a healthy relationship, it is fundamental for both parties to be good listeners. Listening has to do with being ready to understand. Because listening is a favorable opportunity that enables both parties to give to each other and to receive from one another. It is characterized by being ready to listen to the other side, to understand them, and ultimately to give.
In general, bad relationships are built on talking, shouting, criticizing, and judging instead of listening—that is, on taking. Individuals usually prefer speaking and insisting on being listened to rather than listening, and they impose this. Especially among married couples and in emotional one-on-one relationships, we frequently encounter the oft-repeated phrase “we can’t talk.” This is a mistaken opening from the start. Because both parties are focused on talking and are preoccupied with expressing themselves. In these expressions, the word “listening” is never mentioned.
The phrase “we don’t listen to each other” is a good beginning. Listening is a highly effective process that initiates and sustains communication and serves the resolution of the problem. Speaking, although important, primarily serves a more selfish attitude—venting, telling, and relaxing. That is, in every relationship, both sides want to be the one giving the message. No one wants to be the one who takes the message, listens, and tries to understand. Hence, in couple sessions, the phrases “we’ve talked about this topic so many times but couldn’t find a solution,” “we always have the same fights and can’t solve them,” “we talk, but it doesn’t help” are the memorized expressions of couples voicing their helplessness.
Developing good listening skills serves as a “lifesaver” in terms of peace and understanding in negatives, conflicts, and crisis situations that may be experienced within the relationship.
Being able to become a supportive listener turns you toward your relationship partner and helps you realize that even the issues you thought could never be resolved were actually perceived as more exaggerated and insoluble than they really are. Establish eye contact, maintain it, and make the other person feel that you are interested and engaged in what they say; do not interrupt, do not give advice, do not use defensive phrases such as “but” and “however.” From time to time, step into what is being narrated and from time to time step out; be patient, listen, and try not to be someone who is itching to talk and waiting for their turn—wait!
Even if the speaker asks you questions while you are listening, wants your opinion, or pushes you to answer, tell them you will speak after they have finished and continue listening.
Listening is difficult. Do not expect to be able to do this immediately. It is a skill, an ability, an example of patience. Listening is the path to a solution and what enables that solution. Misunderstandings, phrases like “I didn’t mean it that way,” “that’s not what I was trying to say” are concrete examples that healthy listening has not taken place.
Listening allows you to reshape the event, conflict, issue, or problem being discussed and to grasp what is being conveyed with the least possible distortion. Sometimes, even when you are only listening, in situations where you do not intervene, it allows the speaker to think that “maybe I’ve been unfair to you,” to realize this, and to hear what they themselves are saying, without any intervention on your part. Sometimes, for this very reason, the problem—whatever it is—can be resolved or made resolvable even without your intervention.
Listening clears the communication and relationship environment at that moment of external stimuli and makes it sterile. As a good listener, focus on the feelings within what is being said. Try to understand what is being felt in what is being said and write it down in your mind. When you are the one speaking, ask more about the other side’s feelings rather than their thoughts and try to understand them. The real messages and points of resolution lie in feelings.
A relationship is not a guessing game. What is not spoken or listened to is left open to interpretation. Interpretation reflects the reality of the person interpreting. We are not listening to understand our own reality but to first understand the feelings of the other side.
Listening means accepting the other person with all their feelings and thoughts. Listening is like a diver going down to the bottom to collect materials and then evaluating them. The real material—the clues about the relationship—is not on the surface, but in the material that can be gathered through good listening.
Listening is deepening within the relationship. It is the effort to understand the other party in depth.
Contrary to what is assumed, listening is not a passive activity. Listening activates the listener’s thoughts. Listening provides effective communication. When you feel listened to, your appetite for initiating and maintaining communication increases.
Listening enables communication, the sincerity of communication, the desire to understand, and ultimately understanding and being understood. Being listened to and feeling listened to increases self-esteem, makes one bolder in solving problems, and courage increases trust and allows us to perceive problems as smaller than they are.
Listening and being listened to saves time and allows us to share other dimensions of the relationship.
Listening has a calming and healing effect. In psychotherapy sessions, the first thing we do—listening—is the most important element of treatment.
Listening rests the soul. Listening and being listened to is the resting of the soul.
A Healthy Relationship Is a Structure in Which Individuals Are Open and Honest With Each Other
Misunderstanding and being misunderstood are among the fundamental problems in relationships. Misunderstanding and misinterpretation have to do with individuals not being open with one another. The further communication moves away from openness and honesty, the more the relationship enters a dead end and problems grow like an avalanche.
A healthy relationship is built by individuals who are honest with one another. Being honest is an indispensable, unavoidable element of a healthy relationship. Sometimes reality is hidden out of fear of its cost, its price, and what might happen. As a result, dishonesty and lack of clarity are added, and when honesty is not maintained, the price to be paid becomes even greater. While the relationship is ongoing, even the smallest doubt arising from dishonest attitudes of the individuals can turn the relationship into hell. Sometimes fleeing from what is thought to be a heavy cost leads us to find ourselves in an even bigger swamp. Afterward come regrets and remorse, and the other side begins to doubt everything we say and looks for opportunities to catch us out. The relationship loses its naturalness, the construction of a healthy relationship comes to a halt, and we enter other pathological structures.
Dishonest behaviors are like makeup. At some point, it runs and the truth appears with all its nakedness, often in a worse form than it actually is, and moreover, it catches us unprepared. As a result, we have to fight on several fronts at once, experience the helplessness of trying to persuade the other side and explain ourselves, and find ourselves in an effort to justify ourselves. It may be too late. And we have difficulty answering the rightful questions of the person in front of us, such as “why didn’t you tell me this before?”, “why weren’t you open?”, “why did you lie?”, and from this point on, no matter how realistic, logical, or even honest our answers may be, the arrow has left the bow. Most of the time, the justification for being dishonest and not being open is that it was done to protect the peace. But in the end, that peace is virtual and fake. Sooner or later, there will be war. Relationships in which there is no openness or honesty prepare a relational ground that is not a partnership but is controlled by one person, lacking maturity, and short term. Being open in relationships means that all kinds of feelings and thoughts of individuals within the relationship can be discussed and voiced without hesitation. This includes feelings such as anger, remorse, guilt, fear, anxiety, disappointment, sadness, and sorrow being acknowledged and open to discussion.
When you are honest, of course, you cannot know or control how the other person will react; there is no guarantee of receiving a “positive reaction” or being “met with understanding.” But at the very least, by establishing honest communication you will preserve your respect for yourself and for the person in front of you—and this is already the cornerstone of the relationship.
Protecting the cornerstones always serves to protect the main structure. Not being open is nothing more than sweeping dust and dirt under the carpet. But this only saves the moment and leads us to deny the existence of that dust and dirt. One day, all that is under the carpet will appear, accumulated and much harder to clean.
Being open and honest is not always easy. There are some things we do not want to say or hear. We may not share the same opinion. But the more open and honest we are, the more we make the relationship mature, healthy, and ready to grow. No matter how hard it may be to say and no matter how difficult it may be to hear and endure, it will not be worse than the consequences of not being honest. Without effort and without paying a price, one cannot be honest. Haven’t we been saying from the very beginning that a relationship requires effort? If there is no openness, then there is no investment in the relationship.
Being honest sets the individual free within the relationship and allows them to move comfortably within it. The individual who is not honest within the relationship always feels indebted and cannot live their freedom, fears making mistakes, and is uneasy. If we are talking about the pleasurable side of a relationship, what benefit can a structure that is distressing, in which we are not free and feel indebted, have for us or for the other?
Honesty and openness bring richness and diversity into the relationship. Like a garden filled with abundant, colorful flowers.
Being honest and open is the most concrete example of accepting that we are not perfect. A person who does not think they are perfect is ready to grow, change, and strengthen the relationship. The perfect have no need for openness or growth! Being open and honest in a relationship brings compassion and mercy.
Honesty raises the threshold of tolerance for the individuals within the relationship, makes the relationship more qualified and lasting, allows the relationship to be adorned with other feelings that make a relationship a relationship, frees the relationship from emotional barrenness, and creates the chance to be good supporters for one another.
Honesty is the truth itself in a relationship. A relationship deprived of truth will remain a fantasy.
In relationships that are rushed into, where expectations are not taken into account, and where it is not questioned whether the relationship is healthy or can be healthy, there are:
- Jealousy that damages the relationship
- Isolating the relationship partner from their social environment
- Unrealistic expectations
- Constantly accusatory and degrading attitudes toward problems and mistakes
- Sudden mood swings within the relationship
- Threats of violence and outbursts of anger
- Use of force in sexual relations
- Humiliating, belittling words, insults, mockery
- One partner having problems with alcohol and drugs
- Threats of violence or actual violence under the influence of alcohol and drugs, followed by regret
- Saying negative things about your friends and family, insulting them
- Constant monitoring and surveillance
- Emotional abuse; including behaviors such as shouting, blaming, shaming, controlling, intimidating, and isolating. In physical abuse there are broken bones and black eyes; in emotional abuse there are eyes that look with fear, uneasiness, forgetfulness, indecision, fear of doing something wrong, lack of confidence in one’s decisions, and feelings of worthlessness.
